Humour

Various Roboteer/Engineer/Computer Jokes

 

You know when you're a real roboteer when:

1. You find yourself really looking forward to a trip the scrap yard on the weekend.                                                                                    2. Peoples first topic of conversation with you is about the latest Robot Wars on TV not the weather.
3. You know the names of at least forty robots and what there teams drink.
4. Your wife buys you a pneumatic ram for your birthday.
5. You understand what all those other buttons on the calculator do.
6. You don't use all those other buttons on the calculator because you have a CAD package.
7. You spent most of your Christmas day with your hand up a robot instead of the turkey.
8. You have the badge, wallet, posters, the spanner rash and most of at least two robots in your garage.
9. You find swarf in your tea after doing a spot of drilling and still drink it.
10. You have more machinery and parts catalogues than copies of FHM.
11. When you have a visitor, they are forced to drink their tea from a mug which has weld and grinding splatter on it as they have all been in the workshop sometime.
12. Most of the staff in Maplin recognise you.
13. You don't worry about your car battery going flat, because you've got four more powerful batteries in the boot.
14. You know which cars have right-hand and left-hand wiper motors.
15. Your computer crashes because it's been cut clean in half by a spinner.
16. Your idea of a good Saturday night involves setting up your speed controllers and posting on www.fightingrobots.co.uk/forum.
17. You receive divorce papers with the robot named as co-respondent!
18. You spend your birthday shopping for hydraulic couplings that don't exist.
19. You see a empty parking lot with a nice flat surface and imagine its heaven.
20. You dream about the bloody things!
21. You cant open any cupboard in the house without a fire extinguisher landing on your foot.
22. Your cats complain when you take the robot, the robot parts and the robot construction tools out of your living room because then they've just lost good hiding spots against the dog.
23. You wonder what colour your kitchen table had.
24. You start dusting with a CO2 bottle.
25. When your robot bites back & you end up in casualty.
26. When you buy sugar by robot weight category... 1 bag of ant weight and a featherweight please.
27. When you leave the living room curtains closed all the time to save discolouring your polycarb stash.
28. When you buy wooden drinks coasters because you accidentally put the old metal one on a battery by the coffee table.
29. You think about buying a car and looks style and practicality go out the window and the question how many robots can i get in the back with room for spares.
30. You select a car with compatible wiper motors for your feather's drive train.
31. When you see a disabled person passing by in an electrical wheelchair and your friends have to restrain you from approaching this person with the offer to give it more speed and maybe stronger batteries and perhaps a better gear ratio.
32. You know you are a roboteer when you go to buy an engagement ring for the bird and when the ask what size she is..... um..... M6 I think!
33. You want the ring made of titanium.
34. You look at remote controlled Beyblade's and think that's a good idea for a robot.
35. When you see a disabled person passing by in an electrical wheelchair and your friends have to restrain you from completely stripping the poor disabled persons wheelchair/scooter of every possible useful part, leaving them sitting stranded on the chair in the middle of the road!
36. When the only time your family can see you is when they visit a live event.
37. When your neighbours hold a rally in order to pay for soundproofing the walls of your shed.
38. When you program your alarm clock to wake you up with "Three, Two, One... Activate !
39. When your wife says your dinners in the GARAGE !!!
40. When your robot makes your dinner.
41. When your wife says your dinners in your imagination!
42. When the postman delivers mail addressed to (Workshop Widow)
43. When you sit down for a cr*p and the toilet seat flips you into next doors garden!
44. When you get a Christmas card addressed to your robot.
45. When you have more robot idea's in you head then there have been robots in all 7 series.
46. When you do a school project on batteries.
47. When you get a Hypnodisc birthday cake.
48. When you look forward to the next Machine Mart catalogue coming out!
49. When your work colleagues suggest that you convert the office mailing machine into a fighting robot.

 

Most of the following jokes were acquired from http://www.stagro.freeserve.co.uk - Thanks Terry.

To err is human; to debug, divine.To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.- L. Peter Deutsch

Theory is when you know everything and nothing is working. Organization is when nothing is working and everyone knows why. Practice is when everything is working and no one knows why.

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".
The Biologists conclusion: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be empty again."

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are in Ft. Lauderdale for a two-week period helping out on a project.
About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish."
The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.
The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.
"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.

One day an engineer and a mathematician walk around and meet a very
rich man who tells them that if they can get all the way over to it, they are allowed to take the sack, filled with gold, standing on the
ground 20 m away - but they are only allowed to take steps of a length
of maximum half the remaining distance. The mathematician knows that
it isn't possible to get to the sack on those conditions, so he does
nothing, but then he sees that the engineer walks all the way to the
sack, with normal sized steps, grabs it and walks back. "But, ..." he
says "... how ...?" "Measurement insecurity!" says the engineer.
How a mathematician, physicist and an engineer prove that all odd numbers,
(greater than 2), are prime.
Mathematician: "Well, 3 is prime, 5 is prime and 7 is prime so, by
induction
all odds are prime."
Physicist: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 isn't prime, (bad
data point), 11 is prime, and so is 13, so all odds are prime."
Engineer: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 11 is prime
13 is prime, so all odds are prime."
A holy man, an average joe, and an engineer are all about to be
executed by guillotine. The holy man goes first, the executioner asks, "would you like to face up and see it coming or face down?" He thinks
a minute and says "Face up." He lies down and just as the blade is
about to end his life, the blade stops, 4 inches from his throat! The
holy man is let go due to divine intervention.
The average joe goes next, and given the same choice, he faces up. Again
the blade stops just 4 inches from his throat. He too, is let go.
Finially the engineer steps up and chooses face up. Just as the
blade is about to be set loose on his neck, he yells "STOP! I think I see your problem!"
A promising graduate student was taking his PhD finals. He proceeded
through a derivation of this thesis and ended up with something like F = -ma Naturally, he was embarassed, his supervising professor was embarassed,
and the rest of the committee was embarassed. The student coughed and
said, "I seem to have a slight error back there somewhere."
One of the mathematicians observed dryly, "Either that, or an odd
number of them!"

There was a town whose main industry was a chicken processing plant out
at the edge of town. One day the chickens just weren't coming out
right and no one at the plant had any idea what was wrong. They had
checked everything. In desperation, they went to the dean of the local
college and asked if he could recommend a consultant. He answered,
"Oh, I'd recommend Dr. Von Herrin of the Process technology department. He's our
best man. If you can be helped, he can help you."
So they contacted Dr. Von Herrin and explained their problem. He
agreed to help and said he would come out the next day to collect data. They said they would cooperate completely.
The next day they showed him around the plant. He asked a few
questions and took lots of notes in his little notebook. The next afternoon, he called and said he had a few more questions and would be
out in the morning. Dr. Von Herrin arrived in the morning, asked a few
more questions and they supplied the answers. As it was Friday, he
said that he would have his analysis completed over the weekend and to
schedule a meeting for 10 am Monday.
Promptly at 10, Dr. Von Herrin arrived. All the managers were eagerly
waiting to hear his results. Standing at the blackboard, Dr. Von Herrin began his lecture. "Before you can understand the solution to a
problem, you must first know exactly what assumptions went into the
solution. First, assume a homogeneous spherical chicken."

What is the value of PI?
Mathematician : approximately 3.1415927..
Physicist : it's 3.1416
Engineer : a little more than 3

A promising young engineer who gets killed in a car accident and
arrives, protesting, at the pearly gates. 'I'm only 40, I'm too young
to die, I have a wonderful wife and family, so much to live for..why
am I here?' St Peter looks through his papers, looks over the top of
his glasses and says, 'Well, according to your timesheets you're 112!'

Young Engineer
A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The boy said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."


Two true stories of Charles P. Steinmetz (1865-1923)
Charles Proteus Steinmetz, an electrical engineer whose genius lived up to his middle name, worked at General Electric for many years. One morning he arrived at his office to find there had been a change in policy overnight. On his desk, someone had posted a tidy cardboard sign saying, "No Smoking." Steinmetz took out his pen, relettered the sign so that it now read, "No Smoking --- No Steinmetz," and departed. The policy was changed.

One day a whole roomful of General Electric's most expensive machinery went out of order. By this time Steinmetz had retired, but the company's baffled engineers called him back as a consultant. Steinmetz ambled from machine to machine, taking a measurement here, scribbling something in his noteboook there. After about an hour, he took out a large piece of chalk and marked a large 'X' on the casing of one machine. Workers pried off the casing and found the problem at once. But when the company executives got Steinmetz's bill for $10,000, they were reluctant to pay it. "This seems a bit excessive for one chalk mark," Steinmetz was told. "Perhaps you'd better itemize your charges." Within a few days, they received the following itemized bill:
Making one chalk mark $1.00
Knowing where to make one chalk mark $9,999.00

Live form
There was a physicist and an engineer working on a top secret time travel project. Suddenly, there was a flash of light and there before them was a very beautiful female life form.

She said to the men "I have been without companionship for many years, if you can reach me, you can do with me as you wish" " However, because of the time field, every time you move towards me you will go only half that distance"

The engineer then looked at the physicist and noticed he was very sad. "Whats the matter with you, this is the opportunity of a lifetime !!"

The physicist replied "Don't you see, if I go only half the distance each time, I will never actually get there ! It's a hopeless situation" The physicist then asked the engineer "Why are you smiling ?"

The engineer grinned and said "Thats true, ... but I'll be close enough to get the job done !"

Quote
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." -- Rich Cook

YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEERING MAJOR...

if you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
if you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
if you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
if you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
if you think in "math."
if you have a pet named after a scientist.
if you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
if the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.
if you can translate English into Binary.
if you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit."
If you are completely addicted to caffeine.
if you consider ANY non-science course "easy."
if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
if the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
if you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.
if you understood more than five of these indicators.
if you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.
Wife or Mistress
Three NASA engineers, one from headquarters in Washington, one from the Johnson center in Houston, and one from the Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL) in Pasadena were discussing whether it was better to have a wife or a mistress.

The HQ guy said it was better to have a mistress, because they are more understanding of the long absences required of a NASA employee.

The Johnson guy retorted, "Oh, no, one must always follow proper rules and procedures, and marriage is the proper procedure, so it is better to have a wife."

The JPL engineer replied, "No, it is better to have both. That way, you can tell your wife that you're with your mistress, your mistress that you're with your wife, and go to the lab and work."


Building Fence
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.

The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.

The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.

The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.


Oldest Profession
A physician, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.

The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"

 

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons,
Civil Engineers build targets.


Half Full or Half Empty?
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half- empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

More Differences
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Top Ten Reasons to Date an Engineer

Complimentary Tutoring
Large Earning Potential
Can handle stress and strain in relationships
Know all the dynamics of relative motion
Learn about the benefits of friction and viscosity
FREE body diagrams
Always back up their hard drives
Trained to do it right the first time
Specialized in experimentation
Can go all night with no hint of fatigue
Public execution
Scene: public executions by guillotine

Three condemned people are to be executed via the guillotine...

First condemned person steps up, a minister. Switch is pulled. Blade doesn't come down. Minister cries out: "God knows I am innocent!" He's pardonned.

Second condemned person is a revolutionary agitator. Switch is pulled. Blade doesn't come down. Guy cries out: "The revolution cannot be stopped!" He's pardonned.

Third condemned is an engineer. Same deal. He looks up, points up, says, "I think your problem is that the cable is binding right here..."


Car Accident 1
It seems 3 guys were travelling in a car together, an industrial quality control expert, a hardware engineer, and a software engineer. As they were going down a VERY steep hill, they realized the brakes were out and they faced certain death.

The QC expert said,"no problem, we'll put together a work group, study the problem, make a fishbone diagram and come up with suggestions about how to solve this problem."

The hardware engr said, "That'll take too much time, we'll DIE!! I think I can dismantle the ignition system, find out the problem and cross wire the brake system so we can stop the car."

The software engr just said, "What's the big deal? Instead of getting upset, why don't we just push the car back up the hill and see if if happens again?"


Car Accident 2
A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

"I know", said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no", said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."


Monitor Engineer Joke
Q: What's the difference between a Monitor Engineer and a toilet?
The toilet only has to deal with one ass hole at a time....

How they knew it was a deer?
The physicist observed that it behaved in a deer-like manner, so it must be a deer.
The mathematician asked the physicist what it was, thereby reducing it to a previously solved problem.

The engineer was in the woods to hunt deer, therefore it was a deer.


Architect-artist-engineer
The architect, the artist and the engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or the mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said "I like both".

"Both?"

The engineer replied, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will both assume you are spending time with the other woman. Then you can get into the lab and do something really important."


Engineer - Physicist - Lawyer
An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four." The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four." The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?

Job Interview
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

And the HR Person said, "Of course, ...but you started it."


TM of CIA -- True Meanings of Computer Industry Acronyms
AOL: Almost On-Line
Apple: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
ACRONYM: A Completely Random Order Never Yields Meaning
Basic: Bill's (Gates) Attempt to Seize Industry Control
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
DEC: Do Expect Cuts
DOS: Defunct Operating System
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
Macintosh: Most Applications Crash, If Not, The Operating System Hangs
M.C.S.E.: Must Call Someone Else
MICROSOFT : Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
PENTIUM : Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
SCSI: System Can't See It
WINDOWS : Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
WWW: World Wide Wait

Dilbert's Salary Theorem
Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives, sales people, accountants and especially liberal arts majors." This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two well known postulates:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time.


Since: Knowledge = Power,
then Knowledge = Work / Time,
and Time = Money,
then Knowledge = Work / Money.


Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Top 23 Engineers' Terminologies


A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED
We are still pissing in the wind.

EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM
We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION
We know who to blame.

MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.

CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED
We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.

PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING
We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
The only person who understood the thing quit.

IT IS IN THE PROCESS
It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.

WE WILL LOOK INTO IT
Forget it! We have enough problems for now.

PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL
Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.

GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING
We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.

GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION
I can't wait to hear this bull!

SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS
Come into my office, I'm lonely.

ALL NEW
Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.

RUGGED
Too damn heavy to lift!

LIGHTWEIGHT
Lighter than RUGGED.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
One finally worked.

ENERGY SAVING
Achieved when the power switch is off.

LOW MAINTENANCE
Impossible to fix if broken.

IT IS TECHNICALLY IMPOSSIBLE
I don't feel like doing it.

IT DEPENDS...
Abandon all hope of a useful answer.

THE DATA BITS ARE FLEXED THROUGH A COLLECTIMIZER WHICH STRIPS THE FLOW-GATE ARRAYS INTO VIRTUAL MESSAGE ELEMENTS
I don't know.


Programmer & Engineer
A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains,"I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50!" Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.

Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer,"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.

The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.

Electrical Engineering vs. Computer Science
Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two of his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two slots in the top, a control knob, and a lever. "What do you think this is?" One advisor, an engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster," he said. The king asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?" The engineer replied, "Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would write a simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantizes its position to one of 16 shades of darkness, from snow white to coal black. The program would use that darkness level as the index to a 16-element table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the heating elements and start the timer with the initial value selected from the table. At the end of the time delay, it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. Come back next week, and I'll show you a working prototype."

The second advisor, a computer scientist, immediately recognized the danger of such short-sighted thinking. He said, "Toasters don't just turn bread into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles. What you see before you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom become more sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities. They will need a breakfast food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon, and make scrambled eggs. A toaster that only makes toast will soon be obsolete. If we don't look to the future, we will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a few years."

"With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialize this class into subclasses: grains, pork, and poultry. The specialization process should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins, pancakes, and waffles; pork divided into sausage, links, and bacon; and poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard- boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs, and various omelet classes."

"The ham and cheese omelet class is worth special attention because it must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy, and poultry classes. Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly solved without multiple inheritance. At run time, the program must create the proper object and send a message to the object that says, 'Cook yourself.' The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of toast than to scrambled eggs."

"Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast food. In the design phase, we have discovered some derived requirements. Specifically, we need an object-oriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course, users don't want the eggs to get cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is required, too." "We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food lacks versatility, and the darkness knob is confusing. Users won't buy the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical interface. When the breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on the screen. Users click on it, and the message 'Booting UNIX v.8.3' appears on the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time the product gets to the market.) Users can pull down a menu and click on the foods they want to cook." "Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for the implementation phase. An Intel 80386 with 8MB of memory, a 30MB hard disk, and a VGA monitor should be sufficient. If you select a multitasking, object oriented language that supports multiple inheritance and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will be a snap. (Imagine the difficulty we would have had if we had foolishly allowed a hardware-first design strategy to lock us into a four-bit microcontroller!)."

The king wisely had the computer scientist beheaded, and they all lived happily ever after.

Is Windows a virus?
With the recent problems being encountered by Windows users all across the country, people are begin to ask themselves if windows is a virus. In response to the high demand for an answer to that question a study was done and concluded the following.

1. Viruses replicate quickly.
Windows does this.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so.
Windows does this.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk.
Windows does this.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unkown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems.
Windows does that too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware.
Same with Windows, yet again.

Maybe Windows really is a virus.

Nope! There is a difference!

Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So there! Windows is not a virus.


Types of computer viruses


Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.

Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.

Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.

Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.

Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..

David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.

Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.

Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!

Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Nike virus: Just Does It!

Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.

Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."

PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.

Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.

Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.

Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.

 

Bill Gates picks his own punishment


Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.

"The bottle has a hole in it!"

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.

"And it's missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."
 

Have a Microsoft Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house Not a creature was stirring, except father's mouse. The computer was humming, the icons were hopping, As father did last-minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung next the modem with care In the hope that Santa would bring new software. The children were nestled all snug in their beds, With visions of computer games filling their heads.

Dark Forces for Billy, Doom II for Dan, Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann. The letters to Santa had been sent out by mum, To santa@toyshop.northpole.com--

Which now had been re-routed to Washington State Where Santa's workshop had been moved by Bill Gates. All the elves and the reindeer had had to skedaddle To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After living a life that was simple and spare, Santa now finds he's a new billionaire, With a shiny red Porsche in place of his sleigh, And a house on Lake Washington just down the way > From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans. The elves have stock options and desks with a view, Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums Will be under the tree, only compact disk roms With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive, >From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came, And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name. "Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too, Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you're all of you through,

It's Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist, It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist - Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf, And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's theme, And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream. To the top of the NASDAQ! To the top of the Dow! Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"

And mum in her 'kerchief and me in my cap, Had just settled down for a long winter's nap, When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, The whirr and the hum of our satellite platter, As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky, The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy. As I sprang from my bed and was turning around, My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates. And I heard them exclaim in voices so bright, have a Microsoft Christmas, and to all a good night!

The above document was written by Chet Raymo.

Error codes in Windows
WinErr 001: Windows loaded - System in danger WinErr 002: No Error - Yet WinErr 003: Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file WinErr 004: Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong WinErr 005: Multitasking attempted - System confused WinErr 006: Malicious error - Desqview found on drive WinErr 007: System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware WinErr 008: Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments WinErr 009: Horrible bug encountered - God knows what happened WinErr 00A: Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full WinErr 00B: Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB WinErr 00C: Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! WinErr 00D: Window closed - Do not look outside WinErr 00E: Window open - Do not look inside WinErr 00F: Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened WinErr 010: Reserved for future mistakes by our developers WinErr 011: Window open - Do not look outside WinErr 012: Window closed - Do not look inside WinErr 013: Unexpected error - Huh ? WinErr 014: Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of. WinErr 018: Unrecoverable error - System destroyed. Buy new one. WinErr 019: User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not! WinErr 01A: OS overwritten - Please reinstall all software. WinErr 01B: Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will suffer a penalty for that. WinErr 01C: Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate. WinErr 01D: System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code. WinErr 01E: Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait. WinErr 01F: Reserved for future mistakes of our developers. WinErr 020: Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost. WinErr 042: Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again. WinErr 079: Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue. WinErr 103: Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded. WinErr 678: This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? WinErr 683: Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure. WinErr 815: Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available. WinErr 912: Purchase a new copy of Windows today. Old license void. Windows has been deleted.

Girlfriend 1.0 software
Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0).

Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0, and it's a memory hogger! It has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. These too slow down the system and cause a slow drain on the resources and well-being of the computer.

Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0:

1. A "Don't remind me again" button.

2. Minimize button.

3. Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects).

I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed; they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0, but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.

Another thing that sucks--in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

Bug warning
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources


Programmer's drinking song
99 little bugs in the code,
99 bugs in the code,
Fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code,
101 bugs in the code,
Fix one bug, compile it again,
103 little bugs in the code.

Microsoft Panhandler v1.0 (Beta)
Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling.

"The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money," recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times."

Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates' vision of panhandling for the 21st century.

"We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich."

Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal. ("This is a little lie," admits software engineer Adam Miller, "since our diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn't embellish a little?") The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the user's bank account to Microsoft's. The user can also respond No, in which case the program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The "No" button has not yet been implemented.

"We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button," Bernard Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and running within the next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out. Maybe."

Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products.

"Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squeegee Guy, which will clean up your Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft Squeegee Guy ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.)

But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own.

"Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my drift," says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison. "I mean, in the future, we won't need laptop computers asking you for change. You'll have an entire network of machines asking you for money."

Gates responded with, "I know what you are, but what am I?" General pandemonium then ensued.


The computer user's reboot poem
Don't you wish when life is bad
and things just don't compute,
That all we really had to do
was stop and hit reboot?

Things would all turn out ok,
life could be so sweet
If we had those special keys
Ctrl, Alt, and Delete

Your boss is mad, your bills not paid,
your wife, well she's just mute
Just stop and hit those wonderful keys
that make it all reboot

You'd like to have another job
but you fear living in the street?
You solve it all and start a new,
Ctrl, Alt, and Delete


New Microsoft Windows advertising slogans
At the time of writing, Microsoft's slogan for Windows 95 was "Where do you want to go today?" These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.

1. Microsoft gives you Windows - OS/2 give you the whole house.

2. A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.

3. Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell.

4. Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows.

5. Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS.

6. Error #152 - Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.

7. Windows 3.1: The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.

8. Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty.

9. I'll never forget the first time I ran Windows, but I'm trying.

10. I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better

11. My lastest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows.

12. Double your drive space: Delete Windows!

13. OS/2. Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates.

14. Out of disk space. Delete Windows? [Y]es [A]solutely [O]f Course!

15. How do you want to crash today?

Caring for floppy disks
ORIGAMI
Art of paper folding. In order to obtain a nice and effectiveness result, put the floppy in the disk drive after folding it several times in different directions. With a little luck, you should be able to get it jammed. Now, ask yourself. How can your disk get damaged if you can't even get it out of the drive?

SMOKE
Use cigarettes or anything that could be burnt. When you are smoking, blow directly to your disk. In that way, you will be able to destroy it soon, and if you are lucky, damage the drive as well.

PIRANHAS
If you don't have any at home, you can use a stapler, a clip, or simply write down on the disk label with a hard point pencil or pen. This wonderful method of "caring" for disks also often gives you a pretty bite-like design on the remaining pieces of the disk.

MAGNETS
They are wonderful. You can find them in the telephone, in some paper weights, and stuck on the frige door. If you can't find any, you can leave the floppies on the printer or on your display for a while, making sure that they are on.

MAIL
Put a disk in an envelope and don't write any warning on it; then mail it to someone, and that's all.

MAGIC TOUCH
Touch your floppy. As much as you can. If you have marmelade or butter in your fingers, better. Your floppy will acknowledge it.

DON'T USE ANY ENVELOPE
Archive them wihtout their envelope, piled under a lot of papers and manuals.

DON'T MAKE BACKUPS
Of course, if you don't have any security copy, you won't have to worry about how to destroy them once you have lost the original.

SUPREME STUPIDITY
It is the best way of destroying floppies. If you practice it regularly, you'll find new methods to add to this list

The Borg versus Microsoft
"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript.

Picard "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

Geordi "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

Riker looks puzzled. "What in the world is 'Microsoft'?"

Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

Picard "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

Data "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

Picard "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

Fifteen minutes later . . .

Data "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."

Geordi "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

Picard "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."

Data "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently, the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

Riker "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

Geordi, excited "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"

Picard "Data, what do your scanners show?"

Data "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

Picard "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

Two hours pass . . .

Riker "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"

Geordi "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have set up, our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

Picard "How much time will that buy us ?"

Data "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."

Geordi "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

Picard "Identify."

Data "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"

Over the speakers:
"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"

Data "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

Picard "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"

Riker "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!"

Data "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer, I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"

Riker and Picard together horrified "Lawyers !!"

Geordi "It can't be. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

Data "True, but apparently some must have survived."

Riker "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."

Data "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape'. I understand that it often proves fatal."

Riker "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"

Picard "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that!"

 

Micro Logic
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and an Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work!?"

Logical Choice
A engineering student is on his way to class, when his friend, another engineering student, rides up on a bike.
"Where did you get the bike?", asks the first engineering student. The other explains, "Well, I was on my way to Unit Ops, when one of the
cheerleaders rides up and jumps off her bike. She screams with excitement, runs up to me, strips off all her clothes, gives me a big hug and a kiss, and said she'd give me anything I wanted!"

The first engineering student says, "Good choice. Her clothes would never have fit you."

Are You An Engineer?
You Might Be An Engineer...
If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife"
If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner
If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
If you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas
If Dilbert is your hero *** <----- ***
If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE
If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes
If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail
If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50
If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place
If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car
If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than
hanging coats and taping ducts
If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string
If you window shop at Radio Shack
If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies
If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area
If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run
If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment
If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is
If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven
If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush
If you own "Official Star Trek" anything
If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside
If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception
If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project
If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor
If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
If you have never backed-up your hard drive
If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud
If you truly believe aliens are living among us
If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"
If you see a good design and still have to change it
If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind
If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are
If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal
If you have more toys than your kids
If you need a checklist to turn on the TV
If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name
If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight
If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it
If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already
If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for
If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking
that was normal
If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use
If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
If people groan at the party when you pick out the music
If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week
If you did the sound system for your senior prom
if your checkbook always balances
if your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone
If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life
If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers
If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep
If you spend more on your home computer than your car
If you know what http:/ stands for
If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio
If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage
If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory
If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate
If choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma.
If you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.
If while in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
If the sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions.
If at an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.
If you bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday.
If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
If you can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.
If you comment to your wife that their straight hair is nice and parallel.
If you sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the special effects.
If you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
If you know what <<http://>http://> stands for.
If you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids' toys together.
If you see a good design and still have to change it.
If you spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
If you still own a slide rule and know how to use it.
If you think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived.
If you window shop at Radio Shack
If your laptop computer costs more than your car.
If your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
If you've already calculated how much you make per second.
If you've tried to repair a $5 radio.
If you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
If you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
If you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
If it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
If you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
If you think in "math."
If you have a pet named after a scientist.
If you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
If the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.
If you can translate English into Binary.
If you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit."
If you are completely addicted to caffeine.
If you consider ANY non-science course "easy."
If when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
If the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
If you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.
If you understood more than five of these indicators.
If you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.

Sensitivity
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Priest: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.
Priest: Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?
George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year, So we let them play here
anytime free of charge! (silence)
Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

Upmanship
An engineer, lawyer and CPA go together on a camping trip one summer.
After a night of drinking around the campfire, the CPA stood up and said "Watch This!" he took out a pistol, threw his bottle of burbon in the
air and shot it.
The lawyer, not to be out done said, "that's nothing." He threw his bottle of scotch in the air and shot it blind-folded.
The engineer stood up and said "That's better, but it's still not worth a damn." He grabbed the pistol, shot the CPA and lawyer, and sat back
down to finish his beer!

Personalities
They asked The scientist; What is 2 + 2?
He replied... 4.000000000
They asked The engineer; What is 2 + 2?
He replied... 4.0 (+/- )

They asked The attorney; What is 2 + 2?
He replied... what would you like it to be? :o)

Quality Control
There were three people ready to be executed by guillotine back in medieval days. A farmer; a blacksmith; and, an engineer. For whatever
reasons we don't know.
The first was brought up to the platform and the henchman ask if he had any last words. The farmer said yes, that he would like to say a
prayer. After kneeling down and praying, the henchman had him put his head through the opening in the guillotine and he pulled the chain. The blade came crashing down but stopped 2" from the man's neck. Everyone gasped and said for the henchman to let him go. This must be a sign from the gods. So, the guards let him go.

Next was the blacksmith's turn. After being asked if he had any last words, he too wanted to say a prayer. The same thing happened. When
the chain was pulled, the blade came crashing down and stopped 2" from the man's neck. For the same reason, the guards let him go too. And as did the farmer, he high-tailed it over the mountains.

Lastly, the engineer was brought up onto the platform. When the henchman asked him if he had any last words he said "no", but pointed
up to the top of the guillotine and said "there's a kink in the chain"

Was God an Engineer?
An electrical, a mechanical and a civil engineer all sat down one day to try and decide of which of their faculties god must be to design the human body.
The electrical engineer says god must be an electrical engineer, for you only have to look at the complex nervous system powered be electrical
impulses.

The mechanical engineer was sure that god must be a mechanical engineer, for the advanced mechanical systems, the heart a pump, the veins
pipes and the tendons and muscles an advanced pulley system.

Finally after hearing the civil engineers arguments, both the mechanical and electrical engineer both agreed that god must be a civil engineer, for who else would run a sewer system through a recreational area!

Monkeys
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the
shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey please."
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the other side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5,000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C-very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000. What does it do?"

"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey. It can manage object-oriented programming. Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said
the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around it's neck read $50,000.
He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's an engineer."

Engineers Diet
We all know that it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree celsius.
Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat. For example, a dessert served and eaten near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg.F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized. Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories. Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.

This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer. Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down. Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza, and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream. We should all be thin very soon if we adhere religiously to this cold pizza, cold beer, and ice cream diet. 

A person needs only two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't
move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use the tape.

FASCINATION WITH GADGETS. To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1) things that need to be fixed, and (2) things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them. Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimised and feature-poor toys.

 

Subject: For those over Age 25...

All people over 25 should be dead.

To the survivors:

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids
in the 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's probably shouldn't have survived.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when
we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took
hitchhiking.)

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a
special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors!

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no
one actually died from this.

We could leave home in the morning and play all day as long as we
were back when the street lights came on. No one was able to reach us
all day. No cell phones. Unthinkable.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then
rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running
into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Play Stations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games
at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound,
personal cell phones, personal computers or Internet chat rooms.

We had friends! We went outside and found them.

We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although
we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes nor did
the worms live inside us forever.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door or rang
the bell or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't
had to learn to deal with disappointment.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and
problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an
explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to
deal with it all.

And you're one of them!

Congratulations. Please pass this on to others who have had the luck
to grow up as kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives,
for our own good.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors.

 

 

You know you're addicted to the net when: You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.

You know you're addicted to IRC when: You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.

You know you're addicted to IRC when: You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie.

You know you're addicted to the net when: You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind...the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the net".

You know you're addicted to thet net when: All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 56K...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.

You know you're addicted to IRC when: When you turn off your modem, you get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You know you're addicted to the net when: You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem.

You know you're addicted to IRC when: You laugh at people with 14.4 baud modems.

You know you're addicted to IRC when: Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on your favorite IRC channel.

You know you're addicted to IRC when: Your friends no longer send you e-mail; they just log on to your IRC channel.

You know you're addicted to the net when: Your modem isn't working, and after a few minutes you begin to sweat, your hands start to tremble...

You know you're addicted to the net when: When your modem is broken, you pick up the phone and hum modem signals to communicate with your ISP

You know you're addicted to IRC when: You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

You know you're addicted to IRC when: You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are.

You know you're addicted to computers when: Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

You know you're addicted to computers when: Your son tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.

You know you're addicted to IRC when: Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

You know you're addicted to the net when: You forget what year it is.

You know you're addicted to IRC when: You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

You know you're addicted to IRC when: You don't know the gender of more than three of your closest friends because they have neutral nicknames.

You know you're addicted to the net when: You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number."

You know you're addicted to IRC when: Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :)

You know you're addicted to IRC when: You are on the phone a minute & need to do something else & say "BRB" or "BBL".

You know you're addicted to IRC when: You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake.
 

 

More Computer Jokes:


....Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
2 + 2 = 5 for suitably large values of 2.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
The name is Baud......, James Baud.
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah nah!
C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
The magic of Windows: Turns a Pentium into an XT, instantly.
SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
All computers wait at the same speed.
DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed up and automate errors.
Press <CTRL>-<ALT>-<DEL> to continue ...
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.

 

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, 'You Sign! You sign!'. Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. 'You Sign! You sign!'. Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, 'You sign! You sign!'. Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: 'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!'. Then he slams the door in his face again. The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, 'You sign! You sign!'. Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time
Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; 'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?'. The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:


(It's a beauty)


(wait for it)


Get your Chinese accent ready .....


'You not Nissan Main Dealer?'

 

I'm tired. Yes, I'm tired. For several years I've been blaming it on Teen Age, poor circulation, air pollution, dieting, under arm odour, hormones, lack of vitamins, yellow build up in the corners of my eyes, and a dozen other maladies that make you wonder if life is worth living. But I found it isn't any of that at all. I'm tired because I'm overworked. If the population of this country is 51 million, and 21 million are retired. That leaves 30 million to do the work. There are 19 million in school, that leaves 11 million to do the work. 2 million are unemployed and 4 million are employed by the Government. That leaves 5 million to do the work. 1 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 4 million to do the work. 3 million are employed by County and Borough Councils, leaving 1 million to do the work. There are 620,000 people in hospitals and 379,998 in prison, which leaves just TWO people to do the work. YOU and me!! And you're sitting on your bloody arse reading this! It's no wonder I'm so bloody tired.

 

The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British governments 'Work for the Dole' scheme and employ scousers. The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed Liverpool youths were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it  in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech gear.  This was thought to be an excellent, yet bold move, by Ferrari Management. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for at the crew's first practice session, not only were the Scousers Pit Crew able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, rebadged and sold the vehicle over to the MacLaren Team for four bottles of Stella, a gram of speed and a quick shifty at Coulthard's bird in the shower.
 

 

^ War on Iraq ^

^ The real reason for the George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine.^

 ^ "Magician" David Blane spends 42 days without food in a glass box above london. ^

^ The only shady place. ^

^ Latest Police Fund Raising Scheme ^

^ Penguins ^

^ Where Ice-cream Comes From ^